Thursday, January 31, 2008

A Private Conversation Open to the Public

I have another blog and have found it theraputic, to say the least. However, I know that when I'm checking on some blogs, the last thing I want is to see when their lives go through a major change that it's taken over every aspect of their lives. So here we are. A place for me to address this quest without dragging unsuspecting friends/strangers/family along.

I haven't asked Hubby how he feels about this, so while this blog is currently open, if he doesn't want me blasting it everywhere, I need to respect his wishes, and I'll have to limit it...this is your advanced warning :) However, my current thoughts are that while I blog for myself, I need the reassurance that somebody somewhere may read it because that may validate my feelings. How weird is that?

So what is this top secret mission that's a private discussion but I'm posting in the most public spot?

We've decided to take the next step and dissect the wonder of life. We're back in the emotional throws of infertility. Stop here if this is too much for you to know about me :)

I've had a medical issue for forever that contributes to infertility, and about two years ago, my doctor announced yet another diagnosis to add to my growing list, and this also adds to infertility. Nice to know that I'm an overachiever--not only am I going to do it one way, I've got to find more ways!

We have really good friends--and by that I mean I think they know every area of our lives and they still have chosen to speak with us--that have shared with us the name of a doctor. After they let me ask a million questions, we booked a learning seminar with this doctor, and then after the seminar, called for an appointment. I honestly thought it would take a couple of months to get in--he's one of two choices in New Mexico that I know about--but they got us in last week. So yesterday, we met with the doctor.

Years ago, we saw a different doctor, and because God's timing is perfect, our marriage was new and not strong, and I was too immature to handle even an inaccurate blood test, we never returned and we never had a baby. While I'm still very immature in many areas, I think I'm more realistic, and we've made huge strides in marriage, and I really feel God's hand with the family issue. However, I was totally prepared for the whole you're-too-old-and-fat-and-dried-up-and-children-are-not-for-you. Fortunately, this doctor greeted us and told us almost instantly that he had a plan. Further, I'm not too old or dried up, and while I'm overweight, that didn't seem to be a big concern...they didn't even make me step on a scale!

It moves fairly quickly. It scares me that we're looking at trying something for three months and then switching to a more aggressive plan. In fact, if we'd wanted to start more aggressively, we could. I want this so badly--so I have no idea why I'm so afraid of the next six to eight months. I wonder if some of my fear is the underlying concern that maybe nothing will work. And then I worry that maybe it will work and that means huge life changes.

We had mailed down a huge packet of background medical information and a release for medical records, so they had my medical charts before we arrived for the appointment. Once we signed in with the receptionist, she handed us a form that talked about genetic testing for cystic fibrosis. We've never talked about whether we want any testing. We've touched on the whole whatever God gives us we'll love regardless of sex, medical conditions, etc., but we never talked about whether we wanted to know if it was possible that we're carriers for anything. So there was an ackward moment.

Ackward like the time when the nurse was explaining the possibility of multiples due to the medication that we'll be using, and how we'll have to decide if there are a number of eggs that have matured if we want to risk multiples or if we want to wait a month. That had never occurred to me to ask Hubby about either.

We've been concerned that this will overtake our marriage, because it is a huge time consuming task, and there are day counts for everything--take the medicine, pray for process for ovulation, take the ovulation test, if that doesn't show make an appointment, count more's very technical, and I'm already overwhelmed by what day 5-9 means v. days 12-16. All of this means it's not very romantic. We hardly see each other now because of the various work schedules and commitments, so if finding romance now is hard, what happens now that we're locked into days?

I'm not meaning to be pessimistic...but that's part of my charm. And I'm not saying that I don't want to do this--see above, and again, I want this worse than anything I've wanted before. I think I'm just afraid of everything.

You should have seen Hubby's face when the nurse was talking about how irritable and emotional I may become...I'm already irritable and emotional, and I think he was hoping this would sedate me!

So for now we just wait. We're waiting for the nurse to call so we can start with one of the medicines (birth control, of all things--who says God doesn't have a sense of humor!) and pray for that to start things rolling so we can begin the other medicine that will add to my already random fits and tantrums and tears.

Stay tuned, if you're interested. And if you're not, that's okay too :)