Thursday, November 27, 2008

On Hold

As we prepare for the other hen to give birth, which is just about 5 weeks away, we're pretty much on hold for treatments.

We knew that we wanted to take a couple of months off when the baby comes, and figured that we'd take off January through April or so before trying again. Of course, my body has other plans, and because of the length of time it's taken to get my eggs to want to jump out of the basket each month, we're actually abandoning the plan here in November/December. We're headed out of town through the critical timing, and then, in reality, it's really too close to the other baby.

How appropriate is it that we're preparing to adopt an actual "chick?" Just occurred to me that it's rather ironic that the other hen is having a baby girl...we think.

So instead we've done our homestudy, and we're trying to get all our paperwork together (we just had a long list of required documents dropped on us). And 5 weeks is not really a lot of time.

Also a little bizarre to be thinking about is that even if this doesn't work out with the other hen, we have learned so much, and I'm really very grateful for the experience. Just one more thing to add to my list of blessing I'm thanking God for today :)

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Frequent Driver Miles

Another month down, and this month we've just completed our rounds.

I got to use a new medication (well, new for me!) this month. The last several months on Chlomid had me a sobbing, drooling, nose-dripping mess. Every month I had to take a higher dose...and then when it didn't work, there was another round. So we were introduced this month to Femura--the generic version of Letrazol (which I've probably spelled wrong in both cases!). The nurse had advised us that this medication usually leads to earlier ovulation, and I was scheduled for a trip to Las Vegas with my girls to kiss goodbye my youthful years as I continue to dry up into an old woman with crusty ovaries...I digress. However, as I landed back in Albuquerque in time, we decided to go ahead. Hence, our first trip to Albuquerque this month.

Visit one had nothing ready yet, but there were four potentials, and so the nurse advised us to come back just under a week later to see what happened. So we returned this Monday to Albuquerque. Trip two.

Trip two showed that we were down to two potentials, and we were told to return this Friday, but to continue taking the ovulation predictor kit sticks. Good news is that we had stocked up on the kits, because Podunk doesn't sell the brand that the office wants us to Thursday I took the test, and let's back up. For anyone that hasn't had the pleasure of peeing on a stick for days on end just to see if perhaps you're experiencing a surge that would indicate that an egg will be released, you don't know what your missing. They look exactly like pregnancy tests, with a little arrow showing you their line that will appear no matter what. Your line will appear next to it, and must be thicker or brighter blue to pass. If a faint blue line appears, it's not ready--your line has to be greater than the stick's line. Should you pass the test, and should you live two hours away from your doctor's office, you call and schedule an appointment for the next day.

So we generally try to call first thing in the morning so that we can plot out the two hour drive against my need for sleep. Thursday I overslept and when I took the test, it was like five minutes before noon, and the doctor's office is closed from noon to one for lunch. Both lines on the test were faded. As in, even the line from the company was barely there. The tests weren't supposed to expire until 2010, but what do I know? So I called the doctor's office, and a nurse called me back and determined that we should return to Albuquerque for an ultrasound to see if we missed the opportunity. Trip three.

Good news with Trip three is that it had totally freaked me out that somehow I'd messed up the test. I know that I still really want this. Better news is that there were two HUGE honking eggs ready to go. So the nurse shot me up, and we scheduled return for Friday's trip four for the actual IUI.

Trip four is obviously now complete (given that it's now Saturday!). It's hard to believe that this is only the third IUI, but as the nurse cutely told us "third time's a charm" and we had better eggs and a great sample to use.

Fortunately, I can take the pregnancy test in Santa Fe, so there won't be another trip to Albuquerque for a couple of weeks. Between the shot in my rump and the three drives to and from Albuquerque for a whopping 15 minute visit to the office each time, I'm not sure my rump could take another trip to Albuquerque for a while!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


It's ironic to me that I'm trying to create life, while I watch a friend struggle for life, so I know this will be brief...more of a quickie journaling than I usually like to do to digest my thoughts.

We've just returned from Albuquerque, and I have been dutifully shot up with Hubby's swimmers :) The nurse must have been able to tell that I'm not really all here these days, as she hugged me long and hard before leaving the room...and I'd just met her last week.

We're trying to figure out days (the counting changes with the other drug, and I know I'll be permanently confused!) to see if October will actually work, now that we have a day to start counting from. I'm sure that makes no sense.

So in 14 days I'll trek down to Santa Fe for the obligatory blood pregnancy test, and we'll see where we go from there.

On a brighter note, we spent some time checking out baby furniture (cribs all start looking alike after the 10th, and I couldn't remember one "travel system" from another...totally overwhelming!) so that we have an idea of what sort of funds we should be setting aside for the other Hen's chick. We've decided that we've heard God loud and clear, and that we should pursue the chick as long as it's possible...and with God, it's ALL possible. Now we just have to figure out how He's going to make it possible to rob a bank!

Saturday, September 13, 2008

The Fox in the Hen House

Chlomid is apparently a sneaky little devil. It steals your emotions and it just may steal your eggs. Well, not literally.

After the triple dose of Chlomid, which you'll recall followed shortly behind the double dose, we've gotten no where.

I was a blubbering, complete with snot flowing and drool falling, idiot. I was definitely touchy, opinionated and miserable. There was an incident which involved Hubby's laughter and my sobs. It was not a fun week.

So we dutifully returned to the doctor last week, and the nurse carefully explained to me that there were no eggs near ready. Nada. There are two follicles slightly bigger than the others, but they are definitely not ready. So we're waiting to see if they grow, and Monday we'll return to the office, unless we manage to ovulate before then.

The nurse also explained that occasionally a body will react differently to Chlomid and the follicles may actually shrink. She then also advised me that next month we might just start with the triple dose...which has me a little frustrated. After the other nurse had discussed maybe trying another medication, I was nervous (something about the phrase "off the label" does that to me), but if it meant being more in control of myself, I was all about it. The nurse on Thursday also said that they sometimes have patients on as much Chlomid as 200 mg, and I can't even imagine how much fun that might be.

So we'll see what Monday brings. We've discussed taking October off--I'm supposed to be on travel, and we wanted time to pray about and research the other medicine--and I'm thinking that if my follicles are shrinking, and if the plan really is 200 mg, I may need a month to pull myself together.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Patience is a Virtue

I know that being patient is a virtue, and I understand that with a child I'll need lots more patience than I currently have. Fortunately, God is preparing us.

We made another trip to the doctor yesterday to learn that once again, I have no eggs ready to land in the nest. While it's reassuring to know that each time we've been right, and have read the little ovulation predictor stick correctly, it's not so reassuring to know that nothing is making these eggs grow.

This month we started with a double dose of Chlomid, and it really affected me physically. Of course, there was some other stress, but I think that the medicine totally took advantage of my worn out body and it really messed with my attitude, I was dizzy, etc. So although a double dose sounded like a lot to me, it had taken that last month, and the side effects were not enough to keep me home from work. Because nothing happened on the double dose, the doctor's office has prescribed 3x the original amount that worked from March through June, which I'll start tomorrow because the hospital here in Podunk can't fill that order until tomorrow.

150 mg seems like a lot of Chlomid. I was seriously wondering what happens next--as in, at what point do you accept that God may be finding not so subtle ways to show you that your body may not be able to produce a child the "easy" (as if any of this is easy!) way? I mean, what would be next--at what point is the dose of Chlomid too high? If at 50 mg all sorts of terrible things may happen to the fetus....Anyway, the nurse at the doctor's office assures us that there's still another medication that we'll do next month. It's "off the label" as in we'll be using if for a purpose it wasn't created to do. It has higher risks than Chlomid, but again, at 3x the "normal" dose of Chlomid, we're already playing the risk game. I need to do more research into the other medication.

So once Podunk has enough Chlomid to fill my prescription, we'll be off and running again. Good news is that I have a lot of sick leave at work. Bad news is that it's over a weekend, and Hubby will have to put up with me and my attitude. Good news is that no matter what, it's out of our hands, and we've known with both this and with the other Hen's nest (we are still pursuing her Chick as well), we know that there's a lesson from God in all of it. We just have to be patient and wait to learn what His plan is.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

All Consuming

Despite our best intentions, this month was a flop :) So we begin again!

However, my body is apparently on a holiday or doing something incredibly odd, as generally the 15th day after we've coached, prompted and even..."babied" an egg to come out, and usually even within an hour or two from taking the pregnancy blood test, I'm starting the daily count again. We're now about four days off schedule, which wouldn't be a big deal, but I'm really noticing how much of life focuses around this. I thought that I would be easier going, and more relaxed, and I swore I wasn't going to be one of those bloggers that was constantly obsessing over days and slinging around lingo that others don't understand. I read a ton about how others allow this path to become so consuming that it's their entire life, and I vowed not to do it. And here I am doing it.

This month we were scheduled to go to Utah for our anniversary (every year we venture forth to unknown territory), and wouldn't you know it, the trip falls in the middle of the potential IUI time. While it doesn't sound like a big deal to most--I know, just postpone the trip--our even celebrating anniversaries is a really important part of our now relationship. However, I'm not willing to "waste" a month by not doing the procedure this month either. So now I'm in a quandary.

Not being pregnant sucks, but we honestly didn't think it would take immediately either. I understand that there's still a huge movement of the "if you think about constantly and truly desire it with all your heart it'll happen" train of thought. I don't believe this--it has to be God's plan. I just have to be sure that I'm not obsessing over it the point where I stop listening to Him...and be sure that I'm not not obsessing over it the point where I'm hindering Him.


Hopefully it'll be counting time again this week, and then it wall fall into place.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Mass Production?

After no follicles, two seems like a lot.

I completed another round of Chlomid, this time a double shot. I managed not to be completely crazy, the floater in my eye did not grow, and I actually was not more nauseous or any other scary side effect more than usual. We met with the doctor's office today, and I was privileged to receive another HCG shot. Tomorrow we'll return at my crack of dawn for the first round of IUI.

I really appreciated the nurse that viewed the ultrasound. She was quiet at first, but fortunately relieved me when she said enthusiastically that there were two follicles. Hubby has become pretty good at picking out follicles on the little screen, and thinks they measured large...I guess that's good, but it seems a little weird to me that there were none even slightly stimulated 7 days ago, and now there's two? So now my mind's wondering thinking about the whole hormone induced animals to create more production of food and how some studies link this to what causes young girls to menstruate and develop breasts earlier and earlier...I'm on a whole 'nother track. It was just interesting to think about, especially because I'm on a kick to switch to all organic food, and have really only persisted in milk and meat so far, because I've been so worried about what added hormones do. Of course, as stated in the previous post, maybe I should pay more attention to what I take...and I think that includes all things that go into my body :)

Anyway, the nurse was pretty enthusiastic, and explained everything about IUI to us in good detail. I'll probably be too sleepy tomorrow to really register it, so that was good (we're scheduled for 915, and I get off work at 0630 plus we have a two hour drive, so I'll be sleeping in the car right up until it's my turn). The nurse was then shocked that I haven't been taking any prenatal be fair, it wasn't on the list of pills to take as far as Hubby and I remember, but it makes sense, and I'll be attempting to swallow those bad boys starting this weekend.

Here's hoping for some news to report in a few weeks :)

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Floaters and Other Questions Answered

One would think that before taking drugs, one should read all the warnings that come with the pills. I'm sure that a lot of this was mentioned by the doctor's office, but there was so much information that I know I missed a good chunk of it.

I'm now repeating the Chlomid for this month. I'm actually taking a double dose. I told a co-worker it made me nervous, and she asked what the side effects are. I had never read the brochure, so I did.

I now know perhaps why I've had a "floater" in my line of vision. I now have a reason to understand why I'm nauseous, dizzy, headache ridden, and tender. I've also learned that there's a small chance of mood changes. There'll be the shock for Hubby :)

Unfortunately, I also read the potential outcomes. There's a less than one percent chance of birth abnormalities. Out of the clinical tests, about 20% ended in spontaneous abortion. I found it disturbing that the brochure from the company that makes the Chlomid has a section titled "Pregnancy Wastage." That's where the spontaneous abortion and stillborns are listed. I'm not sure why the term "wastage" bothers me so much. Is a human life ever a waste--even if the life does not make it to birth?

Calm in the Hen House

The streak was too good to last. After over 10 years of irregularity, I shouldn't have been so nonchalant about having seven months of regular girly life.

It was weird--as we were barreling towards the doctor's office, ready to confirm that we had an egg ready to launch, do what's necessary so we could start IUI, we were totally discussing how amazing it was that we hadn't needed more assistance in cycling each month. We'd even noticed this month that I was much calmer and even-tempered on Chlomid than I have been.

The nurse spent a long time with her ultrasound machine. She asked a lot of questions. Even Hubby noted that something had to be amiss. Sure enough, no egg. Since the home tests never showed a surge, this was weird. There's not even a well developed egg that just got lost on the way out. The nurse said no traces of an egg being released was spotted on the ultrasound, and that the uterus had good lining.

So good news and bad news. Good news because we've had a lot extra expenses this week, and we're still looking into the other Hen's Nest idea, which means we've got more money coming out...and pay day is Wednesday. This was stressing me out, but we were ready to do whatever it took. Good news too that Hubby and I were all on board at the same time and the same place. Bad news because it isn't about money. It's about a chick. And I know that hearing that nothing happened stunk.

I had another blood test, and the nurse will call us tomorrow. If there was a surge, and the home tests missed it, we just wait for next month. If there was not a surge, I take double the amount of Chlomid for a cycle starting tomorrow. That's a lot. I think this may mean the end of my even-temperateness/calm behavior.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Another Hen's Nest

Anybody else would have taken this month to be a sign that perhaps my nest is not the best nest to be attempting an egg. It begins with the whole I actually listened to some instructions, for the first time in my life, and then promptly misinterepted them.

The doctor's office has a message on the machine that advises that if weekend appointments are for emergencies only, and to call during the week for non-emergencies. Now, never mind that the office also has a sign posted to call them on day one of menstration so that the blood test can be done and results secured before prescriptions can be filled. So on a Saturday morning, I opted to follow the machine and decided to call first thing on Monday. Of course, I worked on Monday, so the nurse called the house, where I didn't get the message until the office was closed. Tuesday I harassed the tar out of various office staff trying to get information on whether I could still get the blood test and results in time--Day 5 is when you have to take the first pill. Tuesday afternoon I was told to run and get the test...but couldn't leave work because there wasn't enough staff. So on Day 5, Wednesday morning, I raced to get the blood test, just to get the results late Wednesday and not be able to get the pills until Thursday...DAY6.

So I took the pills a day late, figuring that I'm never on time with anything, and surely--considering my odd work hours have me juggling medication around and around (night stuff is actually taken at 0700, and morning pills are currently taken at 1700, except for weeks like this when I'm on travel--more about that in a minute--and then I have to readjust everything for the week and then go back to the wrong schedule...I'm always a day off and confused) God would let this work.

Sure enough, for the first time ever (well, since we've been testing since January), I actually ovulated on my own. On Day 18 (when I was supposed to call the doctor's office on Day 16--but no staff at work meant that the earliest I could get coverage to go to the doctor was Day 19), I took the little ovulation test at work, and had the magic two lines indicating an egg was ready for launch. I nearly passed out in shock, and I'd love to know what the others in the center thought the Clear Blue Easy stick of love was doing in our garbage...nobody has said a word though.

So Hubby and I rejoiced, and didn't make all the times required for a ton of reasons that would launch a whole new world of blogging troubles. Now here I sit, a million miles from home, and today is Day 15 of the second round of counting--the day I have to get the blood test to insure I'm not pregnant, so that I can get the prescription for Chlomid, and I'm in the middle of nowhere, with the nearest hospital being hours away, and all the blood labs I'm familiar with be even further away. It's not possible to get the bloodwork done, and I'm cramping, so I'll be most likely on Day 1 either tonight or tomorrow, and the whole dilemna with the doctor's office will happen again this month. Plus, this month we wanted to discuss starting IUI with the doctor's office. How can I ask them for an appointment to discuss that when it will most likely appear to them that we're not really serious about this--which we are, but I have to work to pay for these treatments, and I really can't tell my job I have to leave when it breaks the policies I signed there because I can't abandon my post, and I can't really tell my job that I couldn't go to this training when I need it for my job requirements.

In the meantime, an opportunity to pursue the egg that's currently nestling in another hen has arisen. It's really iffy, and there a million issues that are way too big to even begin going in to--especially when every 5 minutes my WiFi connection has to be renewed from where I am.

So I'm wondering how important the nest is, when the chicken will love and care for the chick, how to convince the egg to try out this nest and how important one month is if we miss this month. Maybe the silver lining is that having to take a month off will allow us to focus on this potential chick and whether we even want to pursue it.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Life Rolls On

Obviously if we had had success in April, I would be cheering and posting, right? Guess where we stand :)

We've endured the third month of Chlomid and shots of HCG (I think I have that right, but it is late at night, and I'm fading!). What's amazing to me is that each month I get more negative, but the doctor's office is still positive :) It's also amazing that each of the three shots have been so different. The last two had to involve my dad as shot master, including mixing up the magic potion this month (the first month the clinic gave it to me, the second was a preloaded syringe) and I think he's taught Hubby how to do it, so next month Hubby can get even with me and shoot me up :)

Something, I think it was a combination of stress and Chlomid, made this month hard. Like, crying at work hard. And I don't usually let that happen--I get mad, but I don't cry where the big boys can see me. It's hard to pin what makes me up and down, and screwing with my hormones certainly doesn't help! However, the stuff that normally happens to me after the shot didn't happen this month, and I really need to read more and learn more about what should happen and what shouldn't happen. The only thing I've really learned, is that out of a 4 week cycle, Hubby only has a normal wife for 1 week. Well, as normal as I ever was.

This month we only had one egg (and that sounds ridiculous as I type it, but I really thought that since I was so off the wall this month, and last month I'd been calmer and we had two eggs, that this month we should have had a whole flock), and it was tiny. Not too small to work with, but tiny. I don't know how much stress played into this, but of course, being off the wall of normalcy, I blamed everything else in my life.

So now we're playing the waiting game for the pregnancy test. I'm almost on a first name basis with the blood lab. We're getting pretty good at first names with the various nurses (we didn't have the same nurse this month, and it did throw me for a loop). I'm ready to move on to the next step (IUI) next month, but I'm not sure about Hubby. Initially we said we'd do three to four months with just the Chlomid, but honestly, I don't know if one more month makes that much difference. And since the clinic (while leaving it completely up to us) seemed to lean more toward the next step after our first consultation, it may be time to roll on to the next step.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Ready to Launch, Round 2

I just realized that as I type this, I have no idea where I left off last time :)

So we just returned from the doctor. I say we, but it wasn't Hubby and I that went...I took my mommy with me. It's been a hundred days again (give or take about 80), and I took Chlomid this month, but haven't gotten the amusing little sticks to tell me if I'm ovulating or not. One should have seen the Walmart cart last night. We'd run out of ovulation predictor sticks, and they're not sold in Podunk, so we had to get them at Walmart in a neighboring town. While there, we remembered that Podunk also doesn't sell the type of pregnancy test that the Dr. recommended, so we stocked up on those too. We were either the most optimistic people ever or the most confused--but the checker didn't comment (bless her!).

Apparently both sides are ready to launch. This means that we'll give them another day to mature a little more (the eggs are not as "fat" as the last month, but there's two this time, so twice the chance, right?). This also means I'm looking for someone to stab me with a needle tomorrow night.

My father is normally embarrassed by talk about subjects that "should remain private," but he's the family expert on giving shots. Also, as my mom pointed out, we're wagering that if it means he's a step closer to grandparenthood, he may be game.

And once I'm shot, the count down begins. The cute little nurse that I thought may have belonged in high school helped me figure out the days, and waved her crossed fingers at me as I left. She actually has 3 children!

It's hard to believe this is technically only month 2 of trying with this doctor as I feel like we've been counting days forever. It's a good thing it's only round two because I'm still asking stupid questions of the doctor's office. It's hard to believe that in 2 more months we move on to the next step, because that seems so soon. It's a good thing that we set a time frame because I'm already wondering what's taking so long!

Are you as confused as we are?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Instant Results?

So the doctor's office has recommended Clear Blue Easy for everything--the ovulation kits and the pregnancy tests--as being the easiest and most accurate. Since we live in Podunk, we get what the local store sells, which is NOT Clear Blue Easy. Well, we have the CBE ovulation kit because we bought it in ABQ, but haven't had to use it yet. We thought the ovulation part was probably more important than the pregnancy test brand. Plus, I'm probably a little superstitious and having a pregnancy test around while trying to conceive seems like I'm holding out too much hope. So Hubby bought the test, and we have faithfully been waiting for the time period to end. I was up most of the night on Sunday sick (from something I ate or stress???), and consequently, the last thing I was going to do was visit the bathroom one more time. So we waited until this morning. If I was pregnant yesterday, I'd be pregnant today or know something was wrong, right?

The two little dashes that instantly appeared (seriously, I'm not even sure I was done taking the test, much less putting the cap back on to put it on the counter) are a definite no. In fact, the little circle that you look in is a blaring vibrant blue negative minus sign, much brighter than the second window that always has a line in it. I'm impressed at how quickly a little stick can dash hopes...hey, is the dash symbolic? I hadn't thought of that part...but I left it for the 2 minutes per the test box. Still a nice thick blue dash and not the cross...which come to think of it, a cross for a positive would be quite symbolic too!

Not remembering what comes next, but pretty certain a blood test is the most likely step, I'm waiting for the doctor's office to call back. Good news is that if that's negative and we go back to the BC pills to force menstruation, maybe I'll stop being so grumpy and tender and mean...well, for a couple of weeks anyway :)

Hubby and I will get the hang of this in the next 2-3 months, which will be fitting, because we had decided that we'd move on to the next step if this hasn't happened after 3 months of this plan :)

Friday, March 21, 2008

Like Chicken, Like Egg

So we went to the doctor almost two weeks ago for a quick ultrasound and HCG shot. I don't even know what that means. What I know is that the very cute nurse that's still in high school was bubbly and excited and it was 0802 in the morning :) She did the ultrasound and said something along the lines of what a great big egg I had just waiting. I heard "what a nice fat egg!", but Hubby didn't hear the fat comment. I suppose we should be grateful for the many ultrasound experiences because should something ever take place, we'll be much better at identifying a baby. As it is, I think Hubby was disappointed that the black spot on the screen that looked like nothing was there was what was supposed to hook up with his swimmers and create life. One would think that the egg should have been dancing around or at least winked at us for confidence or something--it was a large black spot. Nurse measured it twice to be sure it was so large (although she was looking at me--and I don't do anything small anymore, hence my addiction to Lane Bryant). So she whipped in and out (that's kind of appropriate in all ways), attacked me with a needle (it wasn't an attack, in fact, I didn't really feel anything. I guess that's a benefit of using a child* to perform such tasks...they are so small that you assume they can't hurt you), and we were on our way within 15 minutes. A nice 3 hour roundtrip for 15 minutes that should help produce a lifetime commitment.

And so we added some days to our calendar, did exactly as instructed, and started the rest of the day count. Monday is the next deadine...either I'll be stocking feminine products or purchasing pregnancy tests. Every little cramp has my pessimistic voice saying it didn't work. Every tender spot on me has my tiny hopeful voice saying given that God allowed this month to have a chance when we didn't think it would, maybe it worked.

And I'm really praying for patience...Monday is a long time off!

*I know she couldn't have been a child, and really, I liked her a lot! She was kind, funny, and reassuring...I don't mean to be bashing her :)

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Follicles in Waiting

So I must be the dumbest person ever to attempt to use fertility medication.

I had to uproot and head out to Baltimore, right before I finished the birth control pills. I was gone for 17 days, so that undid the whole be with Hubby when the follicles would be out for courting. Hubby was good enough to pick up the Chlomid, but the days (and I double and triple counted) weren't going to work. We figured, no big deal, there's always March.

I get back and on Friday decide to call the doctor in Albuquerque to see if I should resume the birth control this month. I'm figuring that the packets are for four weeks (I take two weeks worth and throw out the rest), and this Monday would be when, if I was taking BC to prevent pregnancy, I would start the new month's packet, so obviously I should be ready to pop some more pills. Made sense to me...although my clothes were finally fitting again after the inevitable weight gain from the pills, so I should have known something was up.

Luckily the nurse didn't laugh at me. I forgot the whole step of must have blood work in order to confirm that there was no ovulated moment and no pregnancy. Of course, in my head, if I've been gone since just prior to the last menstruation, and Hubby was in another state, there's no way. Without any snickering, the nurse gently reminds me that I need a blood test to check out hormone levels and to confirm no pregnancy. Hubby gets a good snicker at the preggo test, and we race out of Sam's Club to the lab and do the blood work.

Turns out, when the nice nurse calls with the results on Saturday morning, no pregnancy, but wouldn't you know it, I haven't ovulated yet, and there's "a follicle" somewhere in waiting as told by the hormone levels. If I understand correctly--which I obviously have not been understanding totally as apparent by my "so I'm just confirming I start with the BC pills right away" call--this means that I need an injection to help convince the follicle to come out and dance. Tomorrow morning, Hubby and I will race down to Albuquerque for an ultrasound and then the injection.

I was so afraid of how quickly everything was moving, and then I got called out of town and was upset that things were on standstill for another month (although, after 7 years, what's another month?) and now it's like we have another chance at this month (well, I guess it's technically 2 weeks behind so we are into the next month, but same cycle). I hate that my emotions are already screwy and I don't even have a medicated excuse.

Keep your prayers vocal, and we'll see in about 10 hours where my follicles stand :)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Preview Month

I know it's been eons since my last post...or almost 2 weeks, whatever comes first :)

We were all set to start the day counting steps (I think we're up to 4 different times we count days for different things), and had, in fact, learned that we needed to start with another set of day counting earlier than we thought, when we discovered that this month is more than just trial by fire based on MY body...

For a short and sweet explanation, I'll be out of the state during the critical days this month. So this month is a wash. I guess I could look at it as God giving me a little more time to come to grips with my fears and more time to learn to trust Him [thank you, my dear friend, for pointing out that this is a great time to get closer to Him, and thank you, "Maven," for pointing out how much He loves me :)]. I know all this, rationally, but I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I'm pretty bummed that we're another month off.

That sounds weird, but I was so afraid that this might move either very quickly, or not at all, and it really is a relief to know that I'm okay with just letting God lead.

That's for this month...I'm sure a couple of months down the line I'll be pretty upset if the "not at all" part has taken residence.

So for now, I continue taking the beautiful birth control pills (the dr. office told Hubby it would very bad to stop midway), and I've remembered what I hate about the pills. In high school, my primary care put me on them to try to regulate me (this was way before diagnosis #1 re: infertility). They make me fat, acne covered, and slow moving. The weight gain is always a problem--especially since both diagnosises (is that even a word) that contribute to the infertility cause me to carry extra weight. I may have to actually start using the gym membership we've had for years. The acne is not really a surprise, but stinks since I'm already one of ProActiv's dedicated subscribers. The slow moving is a HUGE joints flare and my extremities swell and every step hurts like the dickens. This makes me pretty grumpy, and makes me lean on Hubby for every day stuff, like getting stuff up and down stairs. So far I haven't had to resort to having him dress me, but I remember that he used to have to help dress me when the joints would act up. I remember that part of the reason I stopped with the birth control after high school was because of the additional joint trouble. Of course, diagnosis 1 & 2 also come with joint pain, and I'm used to some degree of underlying joint pain. And I hear it's nothing compared to childbirth :)

Just think, if I'm this grumpy now, after 8 days of b.c. pills, I'll be a lot of "fun" next month with the additional drugs. I told Hubby this is our preview month!

Thursday, January 31, 2008

A Private Conversation Open to the Public

I have another blog and have found it theraputic, to say the least. However, I know that when I'm checking on some blogs, the last thing I want is to see when their lives go through a major change that it's taken over every aspect of their lives. So here we are. A place for me to address this quest without dragging unsuspecting friends/strangers/family along.

I haven't asked Hubby how he feels about this, so while this blog is currently open, if he doesn't want me blasting it everywhere, I need to respect his wishes, and I'll have to limit it...this is your advanced warning :) However, my current thoughts are that while I blog for myself, I need the reassurance that somebody somewhere may read it because that may validate my feelings. How weird is that?

So what is this top secret mission that's a private discussion but I'm posting in the most public spot?

We've decided to take the next step and dissect the wonder of life. We're back in the emotional throws of infertility. Stop here if this is too much for you to know about me :)

I've had a medical issue for forever that contributes to infertility, and about two years ago, my doctor announced yet another diagnosis to add to my growing list, and this also adds to infertility. Nice to know that I'm an overachiever--not only am I going to do it one way, I've got to find more ways!

We have really good friends--and by that I mean I think they know every area of our lives and they still have chosen to speak with us--that have shared with us the name of a doctor. After they let me ask a million questions, we booked a learning seminar with this doctor, and then after the seminar, called for an appointment. I honestly thought it would take a couple of months to get in--he's one of two choices in New Mexico that I know about--but they got us in last week. So yesterday, we met with the doctor.

Years ago, we saw a different doctor, and because God's timing is perfect, our marriage was new and not strong, and I was too immature to handle even an inaccurate blood test, we never returned and we never had a baby. While I'm still very immature in many areas, I think I'm more realistic, and we've made huge strides in marriage, and I really feel God's hand with the family issue. However, I was totally prepared for the whole you're-too-old-and-fat-and-dried-up-and-children-are-not-for-you. Fortunately, this doctor greeted us and told us almost instantly that he had a plan. Further, I'm not too old or dried up, and while I'm overweight, that didn't seem to be a big concern...they didn't even make me step on a scale!

It moves fairly quickly. It scares me that we're looking at trying something for three months and then switching to a more aggressive plan. In fact, if we'd wanted to start more aggressively, we could. I want this so badly--so I have no idea why I'm so afraid of the next six to eight months. I wonder if some of my fear is the underlying concern that maybe nothing will work. And then I worry that maybe it will work and that means huge life changes.

We had mailed down a huge packet of background medical information and a release for medical records, so they had my medical charts before we arrived for the appointment. Once we signed in with the receptionist, she handed us a form that talked about genetic testing for cystic fibrosis. We've never talked about whether we want any testing. We've touched on the whole whatever God gives us we'll love regardless of sex, medical conditions, etc., but we never talked about whether we wanted to know if it was possible that we're carriers for anything. So there was an ackward moment.

Ackward like the time when the nurse was explaining the possibility of multiples due to the medication that we'll be using, and how we'll have to decide if there are a number of eggs that have matured if we want to risk multiples or if we want to wait a month. That had never occurred to me to ask Hubby about either.

We've been concerned that this will overtake our marriage, because it is a huge time consuming task, and there are day counts for everything--take the medicine, pray for process for ovulation, take the ovulation test, if that doesn't show make an appointment, count more's very technical, and I'm already overwhelmed by what day 5-9 means v. days 12-16. All of this means it's not very romantic. We hardly see each other now because of the various work schedules and commitments, so if finding romance now is hard, what happens now that we're locked into days?

I'm not meaning to be pessimistic...but that's part of my charm. And I'm not saying that I don't want to do this--see above, and again, I want this worse than anything I've wanted before. I think I'm just afraid of everything.

You should have seen Hubby's face when the nurse was talking about how irritable and emotional I may become...I'm already irritable and emotional, and I think he was hoping this would sedate me!

So for now we just wait. We're waiting for the nurse to call so we can start with one of the medicines (birth control, of all things--who says God doesn't have a sense of humor!) and pray for that to start things rolling so we can begin the other medicine that will add to my already random fits and tantrums and tears.

Stay tuned, if you're interested. And if you're not, that's okay too :)